Lightness of Being

I’m not sure if it was turning 70, surviving cancer or simply having lived enough life to understand that there is nothing worth sacrificing your peace and well-being over.
 
Through the years, I have done what most people (especially women) have done.  I’ve taken care of everyone else, until there was nothing left for me.  Always at the bottom of my own priority list, I was too spent and exhausted to do anything else. It’s no surprise that it took this long for me to discover what was right for me. 
 
Now, something has shifted and I feel a sense of ease that I’ve never known. It doesn’t matter if it is cleaning the house or going out with friends or family, if I don’t feel like doing it, I just let it go. 
 
The big surprise for me was that I actually get more done.  The less I demand of myself the more I am able to accomplish.  It changes from ‘Have To’ to ‘Want To’ and it gives me permission to enjoy whatever I choose to do with my day.
 
Getting there hasn’t been easy. I still have the ghosts of ‘I Need To’ haunting my mind.  How many things were left undone during my cancer treatment and recovery were weighing heavily on me.  I felt overwhelmed by the sheer volume of tasks that were put on hold.  I made lists and project plans to get it all accomplished.  Doing all of that didn’t make me feel better, it actually made it much worse.  Now, I had written proof of what I had not done.
 
Gradually, I started to reassess all of those self-imposed requirements. Asking myself the really tough questions like “What exactly will happen if I don’t change the closet light bulb?” When I started looking at it through that lens, it all became very clear, these were wants not needs and it began to soften the expectations I had set for myself.
 
How silly I felt, after all I had been through, that I was letting something so minor steal my peace. So, I looked again at those dreaded lists and realized that absolutely none of it was critical.  Yes, they are things that I would like to eventually do or better yet have someone else do, but not right now. 
 
Today, I was thinking of cleaning and doing laundry but what I wanted to do was to sit and write down how I was feeling about all of this.  Kind of like the buddy system with exercising.  If you do it with someone you are more likely to continue.  Sharing this helps to reinforce the fact that I really can do exactly what I want to do and nothing catastrophic is going to happen.
 
Days of multi-tasking and rushing to get things done are mostly behind me now.  If I’m in a hurry, it’s because I’m doing something fun.  I’ll happily be quick to get ready for a fantastic outing with my daughter and not give a second thought to that laundry basket.
 
I realize more than ever that my time and energy are priceless and that all that matters is that I enjoy this incredible lightness of being.
 
Has your perspective in life shifted as you’ve gotten older?  What changes have you seen in the way that you move through your life?
Share your stories and join the conversation!

Published on Sixtyandme.com

Scars

Inside and out, my scars are the most cherished part of me.

They are my battle wounds, healed yet still tender from what cut me.

Never to be forgotten, not to be ignored, they are my greatest strength and a gentle reminder of all that came before.

If you look closely, you will see the beauty that came from the pain.

A Gentle Path

My journey is shifting yet again, this time it is a peaceful and easy change. 

What started out as a rocky and steep climb has evolved into a beautiful, scenic walk.  

The further I move along this road the more I realize that I do not need to struggle with the obstacles in my way.

I just need to go around them to stay on that lovely, gentle path.

Happy New Year

With a new year, fresh start and new beginnings - all things are possible. 

I don't make resolutions, but I do like to set intentions.

This year I want to broaden my scope and clear some space for something new.

I am ready to trade the rituals and traditions that have served me so well in the past for a future that is unknown and limitless.

Now, I feel the need to explore in a way that I never have before.

Not just in the world, but within myself.

Wishing you a New Year filled with love and joy!

Christmas Magic

It was just a few weeks until Christmas and I could hardly wait.

We had moved into our beautiful new house, and I had my very own bedroom.  No more sharing with my annoying younger brother.

Mom was busy decorating and getting ready for the holiday.  I’m not sure I had ever seen her so happy.  She finally met someone who treated her well and even liked us kids too. 

Buzz was a kind man, quiet and gentle with a warm smile.  Walking in with his dusty work boots, exhausted from work, he was never too tired to pick me up and give me a huge bear hug.

We were living a life I could never have imagined.  There was so much food in the house we had to put another refrigerator on the back porch.  We didn’t have to worry about moving in the middle of the night because we couldn’t pay the rent.  Life was very good.

“You are not going to start another project this close to Christmas.” I heard my mom telling Buzz.

He was always working on something.  He built a new patio with a rock garden for mom in the summer and a mini playhouse for me and my brother.

Despite her protests, he began working.  

It was unusual for him to be doing it inside, but it was winter, so I didn’t think much of it. 

Mom was beside herself with the mess.  She had worked so hard to clean and decorate the house.  He had even pushed the Christmas tree off into the corner.

I was surprised and confused when I came home from school and saw that he was actually tearing down the living room wall. 

He and mom almost never argued but this was different.  There were pieces of wood and sheet rock everywhere.  I was happy I had a room to go to where I could stay away from it all.

As the days passed, mom accepted that this was going to happen whether she liked it or not. 

Just a couple of days until Christmas now and I was more excited than ever.  This was our first Christmas in the new house.

Behind the canvas tarps, Buzz worked away, he looked like the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain.

He even enlisted my brother to help with his “secret project”.

I was a little jealous that I wasn’t included but I kept myself busy playing with my dolls and reading in my room.

Finally, it was Christmas eve.  I knew this year would be special, but I had no idea how much. 

After dinner, mom sent me and my brother to our rooms.  “We have something to do before Santa comes, so you have to stay there until we tell you to come out,” she instructed. “And no peeking,” she nodded to my brother.

Presents, it must be our presents we both thought. 

When she opened the door, she told me to close my eyes.  Gently guiding me, we walked into the front room. 

When I opened my eyes, I saw the most incredible fireplace I had ever seen.  

That is what Buzz had been working on.  Whoever had lived there before had covered up the fireplace with a wall.

It looked like something out of a fairy tale – the fire was glowing with twinkles of light reflecting on the hearth.

Under the tree were two boxes, one for me and one for my brother. 

We didn’t usually get to open any gifts before Christmas morning, so this was another unexpected surprise. 

My box was not wrapped, so it was easy to just open the top.  As I did, up popped the most beautiful little gray kitten in the world.  

Immediately I began to cry, as I carefully lifted her out of the box.

“Is she really for me?” I asked in disbelief, petting her gently. "I think I'll call her Thumbelina because she's so tiny," I said.

My brother grinned at me and began opening his package.  It was a toolbox with real tools to build things, he was thrilled.

Mom smiled and watched quietly as we laughed and played.  Buzz reached down from his rocking chair and lifted me, still holding the kitten, into his lap.

It was truly a magical Christmas.

Winter Solstice at Newgrange

As I moved carefully through the winding passage toward the inner chamber of the tomb, I was overwhelmed by the intense energy of this sacred place.

The air felt thick with presence, as if the stone itself were guiding me inward. When I turned to look back, there was no sign of the entrance, no hint of the outside world, only darkness and curved stone embracing me at the center.

It was difficult to imagine how light could ever find its way here. 

And yet it does, patiently and precisely, once every year at the Winter Solstice, reminding me that no matter how dark the night, the light will always return.

Gratitude and Appreciation

We've all heard it many times and in many different ways throughout our lives. Count your blessings, give thanks, feel lucky for what you have, think of people who don’t have as much.  We understand the words, but seldom do we stop to think about what they really mean.   

When I started looking at my life in a new way it was very revealing.  As much as I thought I had been a grateful person, I realized I had been taking a lot for granted.  Not just the big things, but all of the small, seemingly insignificant things that make up my life.

I started focusing on very specific things to appreciate, like my morning cup of coffee.  I wondered, what did it take for me to enjoy that simple pleasure?  

It had to be grown, picked, processed, distributed etc. by others who made it possible for me to sit at my kitchen table with little to no effort on my part.

Pouring a glass of clean water, sleeping in a comfortable bed, turning on the lights - the list goes on forever.  There is so much to appreciate and be grateful for.

But what about when things go wrong?

The big shift occurred for me when I began to see problems as opportunities.  Something that would have upset me in the past, like an issue at work or something going wrong with my vehicle, became a challenge for me to find the best in the situation.

This was when I had to be more general and not so specific.  I was happy to have a job or a car, I felt fortunate to have the resources and ability to figure it out.  

I applied this philosophy to everything I could think of.  If it was a good experience, I thought about how much I appreciated having it.  When it didn’t feel so good, I thought about how grateful I was for the lesson and what positive aspects of it I could find. 

In the beginning it was a little difficult to always find the silver lining but with practice it became easier, and I’ve learned that even when I slip back into my old habits, I can quickly recover by simply remembering all that I have to be grateful for. 

I'm not sure exactly when it occurred to me, but one day, I began to really understand what it means to be truly grateful.  Not just for the good things but for everything.